September 2009
2 posts
Konstantine
I’m having trouble getting rid of this Tumblr, and making another one. Is it part of me that wants to hang onto the past? Is it part of me that is hoping to keep the writing that I’ve done here? Or is it the eating disorder, telling me that I need to keep those struggles alive?
Whoa,
I’m home. I don’t even know what to write, if I should write, or how I feel. All I know is that I’m not the same person who left this blog. Perhaps I should start a new one? New beginnings and all? A thought to be pondered. Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well<3 (new tattoo also!)
August 2009
45 posts
“Tell everybody waiting for Superman
That they should try to hold on best they...”
– Iron & Wine
7 hours.
It's always bittersweet.
We’re leaving for the hospital in 11 hours. I can’t do this. What if I mess up? What if I can’t get better? What if what if what if? A whole month away from everything. Everyone. Oh oh, I’m not ready.
Rhandi:
You got me addicted to Omegle. What the hell. lmfao
Thursday is my admission date.
I just recieved my welcome packet for the Renfrew Center, and spoke to the woman about my admission. I’m shaking. This whole thing wasn’t real before now. It was a possibility. A maybe. But now it’s real, and I’m fucking scared.
Urge.
Oh, god, I’m so embarassed. I just ate dinner with my parents, trying to maintain a normal conversation, when suddenly, I got up and ran to the bathroom. I purged for a good 20 minutes, while listening to them continue their dinner table conversation. I just… I don’t know what happened. I suddenly felt so ill, I thought I was going to die. Listening to the food chomp between...
Flightless bird, american mouth.
Another sleepless night for me. I don’t know what the problem is with my sleep cycle. It’s just completely fucked up no matter what I do. I purged at 5 this morning hoping that it would make me tired enough to sleep. It sort of helped, but I didn’t fall asleep for another two hours. Oh well. I don’t know what to do with myself. I spend all my time in bed, when I have so...
New Moon Trailer #2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjEXssSkPl8
oh my god. please, stop looking so amazing. it’s so hard to not be a twi-tard.
I'm so sick, infected with where I live; let me...
I don’t have much to say. I’m just trying to pass the days until I’m admitted really… trying harder than ever to not eat, and yet to make my parents happy. Which part wins out? Well, both really. It’s a difficult time. Solution: everything that goes down, comes back up. No exceptions.
I just
scratched the back of my throat so badly that it’s now bleeding. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate these nails?
Eyes on Fire.
I am so addicted to this song. But so afraid of ruining it by listening to it so much. It just holds so much meaning for me. And I’m not even sure why. The melody? The power of the minimal instruments against her hypnotic voice? The lyrics? Something. Anything. I’m grasping at straws here. Edit: Oh. I understand the connection now. “I’ll seek you out, Fillet you alive One more...
i feel better being hungry
michellescott:
I ate more than I should have yesterday, and I felt nauseous from it. It feels better to be on an empty stomach for me.
Okay, reblogging this not for it’s content, but just to get a message across. So, I was watching The Office for the first time ever yesterday, and the first thing that occured to me was that the dude’s name sounded REALLY familiar. I didn’t make...
“I was just about to type GFY, as in, “good for you”, when I realized...”
– Me, talking to my best friend about Eating Disorder recovery. Surely this has happened to someone else, and I am not just a manic freak?
A much needed Twi-tard rant.
I stayed up the entire night reading both the third and fourth books in the Twilght saga. Again. I easily refused sleep, as I sat, absolutely taken by the words in front of me. However shallow, unrealistic, and silly they may be, they had taken me away. And now that I’m free to sit here (well not really yet, I still have a hundred or so pages of the last book to go- but I do know what...
Struggle with myself.
This is so difficult. This need to be sick, and this desire for health and vitality. I don’t understand anything I’m feeling or anything that I do. I just want to know myself. When did that become too much to ask for?
I just ate a bowl of cereal, and now I’m wondering how to get my father out of my room so I can vomit it up before it’s too late. I cannot digest this. This...
infrascapes-ocean:
Dear World,
I have a friend. Who is the most beautiful one I’ve ever had. I wanted to be her since the day I met her.
Right now, she’s destroying herself. Her mind is so focused on being thin, on being what she thinks is right for her, and that her being that way will make her happy. She’s killing herself. Her body is very slowly deteriorating by the day because of what...
Intake for 7-11
Breakfast: -1 6.5oz apple, cored, with skin= 95 Lunch: -Ritz limited calorie snack bag= 100 Dinner: -2 egg whites, minimal oil=46 Total: 241
7 days.
I may not blog much in the next few days. My goal is to lose as much weight as possible before Tuesday. One week. I will post another entry with exactly how much I’m going to aim for, once I calculate everything. Tuesday is my Renfrew Center over the phone intake. They say that after that, the admission process takes only a few days. The few extra days will be beneficial to this weight loss,...
But inside, I'm screaming.
I hate this. I hate that the only reason I do anything is to make other people happy. I’m so perfectly content to sit here, destroying myself without my parents noticing. But when Harley sits down and tells me that I need to tell them I need a hospital, I jump to the task to make her happy. And now, I have to stick to it to make them happy. Renfrew? Sure Daddy, if it makes you happy. New...
Into the ocean; end it all.
I know I usually don’t post my intake, but I need to center myself at the moment. My head is pounding and my blood is rushing. I’m trying to keep myself from sprinting to the kitchen and bingeing on the sweets my dad lamely tries to hide. Shit shit shit. Intake: 12:30- 1 Special K bar =90 4:45- approx. 7oz broccoli =65 - approx. 4oz white rice =110 Total- 265 (Purged somre of the...
Define:
Hunger; -noun 1. a compelling need or desire for food 2. the painful sensation or state of weakness caused by the need for food; to collapse from hunger 3. a shortage of food; famine 4. a strong, compelling desire or craving; a hunger for power Synonyms: appetite, greed, lust, itch Antonyms: none
Restraint; -noun 1. the act of restraining, holding back, controlling, or checking. 2. the...
One more day and you won't survive.
miaana:
I know how terrible doing crack or oxycontin is. But I want to lose weight. BAD. I have asked my friend who was addicted to both to give me some if he thinks it will help me lose… desperate measures…
You know, I honestly had no idea that oxycontin made you lose weight. For some reason I thought it made you gain…? But sweetheart, crack is dangerous. I understand wanting to lose...
Lunamosity.
Reading my mother’s blog hurts me so much. I want to kick and scream and cry. She talks about my eating disorder a lot. She relates, she empathizes and she worries. But most of all, she compares it to her own disorder. She notes how I am getting thinner while she is getting fatter; she wonders whether or not she should help me, or ignore me for her own sanity. I never realized how much my...
One more day and you won't survive.
I think I almost died last night/this morning. I really think I did. I was tired, but couldn’t sleep. My head hurt, and I was horribly anxious. So I snuck into my mother’s room and stole two oxycontin. I downed them without second thoughts. I had forgotten that about an hour earlier, I took a xanax. Xanax + Oxy = a big no-no. Everything was fine, and I went to sleep around 4. The sleep...
ednial
stormyyy: we are so eating disordered.
liquidxfaerie: haha right?
stormyyy: I still have so much ednial though... like it doesn't apply to me.
liquidxfaerie: HOLY COOL SHIT. EDnial? That makes SO MUCH sense!
stormyyy: LMFAO THAT WAS A TYPO BUT YEAH
liquidxfaerie: ednial. epic.
So, this isn't how it went. But I'm lame and high and I didn't feel like copy/pasting.
But really? Awesome term.
creatures of habit.
miaana:
I had not purged in about two weeks. Then today I ate some because I saved all my calories for a reception I had to go to tonight. I did not feel the anxious or the irrational and crazed desire to purge. I actually wanted to purge. It was a calm and very rational feeling like putting on lipstick or painting the nails.
Almost like I missed doing it.
Anyway, I calmly slipped away to the...
I can't.
I can’t do this contract thing. I can’t do this pretending to be okay thing. I can’t do this half assed recovery thing. I can’t. I won’t.
I won't make a sound so you won't wake.
I’m not sure what to write. I’m not sure I remember how to write. My fingers are out of practice; my mind has rusted. I know I say that quite often, but this time I mean it. I’m having trouble remembering things; words, dates, meals… It’s frightening. What if my mind really has rusted? What if I’ll never get those moments back? I’m missing so many things...
I will soothe your pain; I will ease your strain.
I check Tumblr at least 4 or 5 times a day. But I hardly ever post. This is a horrible addiction.
ALEXAAA
stormyyy:
1) I want to stay over your house wednesday? Does that work for you? I miss my girl ( :
Absolutely bbygirl :) I might be coming to Matty on Tuesday to hang out with Eric, so maybe you could come home with me that night & possibly do 2 nights? S’up to you<3
Find yourself in you.
I threw up four times within the past 24 hours. Looks like she’s back with a vengeance. What am I supposed to do now?
July 2009
45 posts
I'm doing this.
I’m really fucking doing this.
Hopeless, helpless, sick.
I don’t know what to do with myself. With each breath I take, I drive myself closer to the edge. The edge of what? Life? Sanity? Health? Stability? Only God knows. Or he would, if I was sure he existed